Jun. 6th, 2022 05:47 am
Silly dreams : The returning problem
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oakfarmI’m depressed because all of the beans I'd planted had died. I planted purple beans, black lentils, and fava beans this year. They've all died (you can’t write “passed away” when it’s plants, right?). Sweet peas are simpler to cultivate for some reason. Should that be reassuring? The bean plants will serve as a reminder of the problem with the gap between dream and reality.
Yep, daydreaming I thought I would have a lot of beans at the end of the summer. In reality I will have none. This is just like my older daydreams. Like the dream from high school that I would spend my life writing and traveling. For fuck sake, as reasent as just a few weeks ago I wrote entries about writing a book. Stupid dream. Of course, in reality I can not do that. It was just like my thought I had ten years ago that the life science educations should go so well I could get a HB-1 visa (that one celebrity physicist, not Neil deGrasse Tyson, called “america's secret weapon”) at Research triangle park, North Carolina (that I know from Douglas Couplands novel Generation A). But being great at high school chemistry isn't the same as being able to pass university classes. Slightly more down to earth, because I know how silly those dreams were, since like last autumn I daydreamed about building hydroponic systems for my new patio.
Hydroponics, or even aquaponic systems can be bought today, perhaps for no more than the price of the cheapest Chrome book. But then you don’t get what you want and that it is bought from a company is no granty the system will work. I am afraid they sell a lot of crap. But building the things myself? Well, if I spend all my energy and some money on it I might be able to build systems. I actually built a system with the help of the equipment I had at home. It was quite small and only worked for slightly more than two weeks in May. The whole time I had problems with leakage but what killed it was that the pump gave up. If I want to make new systems I need more investment in time and money. And the end resultat would still be ugly and badly working.
Just to be clear, I was serious when writing that I 'm depressed. The thing that so much I want to do is impossible. The distance between dream and reality. And the fact I am so low performing. It's painful and there is nothing to do about it. One weird, or not weird thing, is that people don't believe you when you tell them what you're bad at. Exempel because of a school project I had to contact an agricultural college. I’m bad at communications, I’m bad at selling myself. But if I told anyone it would go badly, I just did that since I wanted to do my part of the project, people would say something like: “No it will be fine”. In reality it didn’t go fine.
At least I got some good photos from that excursion
Now I’m just a middle aged guy, with a bad hairline that can’t really do anything. And hopefully I have been clear enough that I’m just not talking about the pie in the sky dreams. I fail with the more down to earth things too. All I can do now is, in exceptional cases, write a blog entry that’s worth reading.
Yep, daydreaming I thought I would have a lot of beans at the end of the summer. In reality I will have none. This is just like my older daydreams. Like the dream from high school that I would spend my life writing and traveling. For fuck sake, as reasent as just a few weeks ago I wrote entries about writing a book. Stupid dream. Of course, in reality I can not do that. It was just like my thought I had ten years ago that the life science educations should go so well I could get a HB-1 visa (that one celebrity physicist, not Neil deGrasse Tyson, called “america's secret weapon”) at Research triangle park, North Carolina (that I know from Douglas Couplands novel Generation A). But being great at high school chemistry isn't the same as being able to pass university classes. Slightly more down to earth, because I know how silly those dreams were, since like last autumn I daydreamed about building hydroponic systems for my new patio.
Hydroponics, or even aquaponic systems can be bought today, perhaps for no more than the price of the cheapest Chrome book. But then you don’t get what you want and that it is bought from a company is no granty the system will work. I am afraid they sell a lot of crap. But building the things myself? Well, if I spend all my energy and some money on it I might be able to build systems. I actually built a system with the help of the equipment I had at home. It was quite small and only worked for slightly more than two weeks in May. The whole time I had problems with leakage but what killed it was that the pump gave up. If I want to make new systems I need more investment in time and money. And the end resultat would still be ugly and badly working.
Just to be clear, I was serious when writing that I 'm depressed. The thing that so much I want to do is impossible. The distance between dream and reality. And the fact I am so low performing. It's painful and there is nothing to do about it. One weird, or not weird thing, is that people don't believe you when you tell them what you're bad at. Exempel because of a school project I had to contact an agricultural college. I’m bad at communications, I’m bad at selling myself. But if I told anyone it would go badly, I just did that since I wanted to do my part of the project, people would say something like: “No it will be fine”. In reality it didn’t go fine.
At least I got some good photos from that excursion
Now I’m just a middle aged guy, with a bad hairline that can’t really do anything. And hopefully I have been clear enough that I’m just not talking about the pie in the sky dreams. I fail with the more down to earth things too. All I can do now is, in exceptional cases, write a blog entry that’s worth reading.